Motion to Slay

Been a Minute

January 16, 2022

Hoooo, boy…it’s been a minute.

Did this catch your attention? Good.

Another whole-ass year is behind us (and not even dear sweet baby Jesus knows what new hell it will be this year), and lots has happened. I got a Patreon and a merch store; my Instagram blew up for no discernible reason, and I started gaming in earnest. Makeup has gone from traditional to cosplay and theatrical because the traditional shit is too boring and I’m not young, pretty or rich enough to keep people engaged in said boring traditional shit.

So, I’ve been making more interesting shit; because who doesn’t find aging millennials playing dress-up just absolutely fascinating? It’s like watching boats sink.

Which I love, by the way. I will spend hours watching documentaries of boats sinking. Maybe its a subconscious acceptance of what’s happening in my own life…haha.

All jokes aside, it’s been a pretty good 2021 and 2022 (so far). More exposure to “The” internet has resulted in all kinds of life lessons–most sounding in patience, tolerance and self-confidence. And none of those lessons came about from people being nice on the Internet; though I cannot stress how incredibly grateful I am for decent people being nice. Those lessons–especially self-confidence–all came from people being awful (sometimes without even realizing it).

People HATE this character, and I have no idea why.

I’ve done plenty of posts here about haters and trolls, so I won’t belabor the same points I made there. Here, I want to talk about (well…lots of things. This will not be an organized post) how I learned to be confident in myself in the face of people telling me to do the exact opposite. Now, let me lay a foundation here, because the way one person learns is far different from the way others may learn, because I believe the way people learn is colored by their past experiences which in turn shapes your personality. So I started as a self-conscious blob. That’s the baseline.

Up until very recently, I struggled with RIDICULOUS imposter syndrome; low self-esteem, and an almost debilitating urge to always please others over and above myself (which itself leads to a whole host of other issues…like over-trusting people). I think probably it’s been a lot of different factors that have contributed to higher confidence; but being able to deal with actual hate directed at you by complete strangers sticks out in my mind as one of the bigger factors.

Right? Because that shit’s weird. Strangers hating you for no reason is weird. It’s out of the ordinary. And because it’s out of the ordinary, you kind of have to develop new ways to address it, which I think forces you to problem solve and critically think more than you would need to in more socially common stressors (like competing for good grades, not feeling smart enough at school, starting a new job, and the bullshit bureaucracy that comes with said new jobs–that’s all normal anxiety-inducing shit that you learn from a young age to cope with–either with healthy coping methods or unhealthy coping methods).

And on this one, someone left a vomiting emoji, and someone else told me to stop spending money on wigs, and spend it on food instead.

So. When I first started getting hate comments and personal messages (like, literally had someone tell me to kill myself because I cosplayed a cat), it really bothered me. Mostly because I didn’t understand what I had done to upset these people; and that old feeling of needing to please everyone made me feel like I’d failed at something. It didn’t take long for that feeling of shame to turn into raw unmitigated fury.

I was incensed. Like, how fucking dare you be so awful to me personally? Who the fuck are you? The rage got to a point where I was thinking some pretty dark thoughts about what exactly I would like to do to those people if I ever met them in person. I did not like seeing that part of myself–moreover, I did not like the realization that I had a part of myself that was even capable of thinking those thoughts.

There were only a few hate comments I responded to–and never with more hate. I just started blocking them.

And let me tell you: there is a very satisfying feeling of power you get by just blocking someone. Like, because of one click, they can’t partake in your content ever again. You have not only robbed them of seeing all the cool shit you put out, but you’ve accomplished something even better: you’ve robbed them of all the sick jollies they get in leaving stupid hate comments on your videos.

That power is wonderful.

Like, they are so insignificant that they don’t even get the privilege of your response to their stupid comment. They get about 3 seconds of your life (2 to read the comment, and the last to block them); whereas you’ve stolen at least 3 minutes of theirs. They clearly spent time watching your video…then spent more time commenting. That’s time they’ll NEVER get back.

And that comment will never been seen by anyone again–so you’ve now also robbed them of their legacy. All that work they put into watching your video; being mad about watching your video; and then telling you how mad your video made them? No trace of that. It was all for naught.

Having that power and realizing exactly what that power means really does wonders for self-confidence and self-worth. And to be honest, I’ve been able to use that power and realization in other aspects of my life–specifically in my career. Dealing with an unreasonable and unprofessional asshole? You don’t owe them a response. Just file the motion and set that shit unilaterally. You want to add insult to injury? Send an email, copying his boss, telling him that because of his embarrassing behavior, you will no longer be speaking with him over the phone. Everything in writing.

Don’t agree to extensions–you don’t have to.

Don’t accept the higher offer as a “favor.” File a PFS.

Draft motions to compel better answers and actually make them to their fucking job in getting you real answers.

Also–it does not escape me that most men in the industry would consider this “bitchy” behavior from a woman. But if they do it, they’re just being “aggressive” and “no nonsense.”

Anyway…that’s what I learned over the past year: take less bullshit; and take more “me” time.

I’ve also done plenty of posts about taking time for yourself, so I won’t belabor that here.

On posts similar to this, I’ve gotten people telling me to stop being so narcissistic.

That does, however, provide a great Segway into my next talking point: cosplay! You know, I started this blog as a makeup/law blog, and it is now morphing into a cosplay blog. With the pandemic having closed lots of bars–and therefore one of the only places I could go to show off all of the work I spent on a particular makeup look–I gravitated toward TikTok and Instagram. Got bored with regular makeup, and now I have more costumes than I know what to do with.

So, we are **safely** developing a convention hobby to show off said costumes (masks, vaccinated, boosted, and social distancing)! We’ve been to a few big ones already and LOVE it. The atmosphere is great, the cosplay community is so warm and friendly (not like the beauty community, which is full of unattainable expectations and toxicity), and it’s just fucking fun. You get to play dress-up with other adults who also spend their adult money playing dress-up. It’s fantastic. Especially when you can drink. (Going to bars in costume is better than Halloween as a kid).

And I admit, I do love the attention (anyone who says otherwise is fucking lying). Last con we went to, I dressed as Arcane-style Jinx, and was being stopped very couple of steps to pose for photographs. Like–that’s fucking awesome. There is no better way in my mind to show your appreciation for the hard work someone else has put into a look than to ask for a picture. The few cosplayers out there who find it irritating are not cosplaying for the right reasons in my humble opinion.

Anywho, don’t let strangers ruin your day, and do what makes you happy.
The First Post…EVAARRR! And it’s Spooky!

October 25, 2019

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

Despite writing for a living, I can’t say I don’t still love it. And because I to stifle my sarcasm and goofiness at work, I have the overwhelming urge to find socially acceptable (…or not) outlets to put the world (or just my mom and only two friends) on notice of precisely how weird I am.

So, welcome.

Now, I’m no “writer,” per se. So, I am under no disillusionment of being eloquent, inspiring, or even grammatically correct. It’s just that the majority of what I do on a daily basis is write. The problem is, the writing is just. So. Dry. Woe be the attorney who actually has the cojones to inject humor into his or her motions. The courts are generally not appreciative of such shenanigans…~~because everyone in this industry is dead inside.~~ But that’s neither here nor there. I do this because if I don’t; I have an unholy fear my bizarreness will redline and I’ll explode. True story.

But, I must confess: I have a food blog where I allow my weirdness to flourish. So, one would imagine that’s enough to ease the pressure.

Second confession: I’m SUPER lazy and can’t bring myself to bake EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND.

So, here we are.

I find makeup and skincare lends itself to lazy, pent-up weirdos who can’t bake cupcakes on a consistent basis. (Consider: those words just left my fingertips in that order. Are you sure you want to keep reading?) Of course you’re sure. You’re still here.

Just dive into that rabbit hole.

I do makeup. I also like skincare, because without it, makeup is harder. I happen to do both everyday and have access to a free blog platform. So, it took exactly 9 minutes to consider what the nature of this blog would be. I know, I know. I painstakingly thought this one out because I’m so diligent and detail-oriented. It’s what makes me such a fantastic attorney. So, check your emotions, groupie-chan and hang on to your knickers.

I will be using this colorful platform to review products, show you how to put stuff on your face and otherwise bullshit about life. It’ll be fun.

Bring wine.

Make no mistake: this platform will also be used to shamelessly plug my Instagram page and food blog. We’re all about transparency here. But think about it: cupcakes, makeup and pathetic attempts at humor. What else would you be doing with your spare time?

That’s what I thought.

So. That HUGE picture of my face at the top? I made a video on how to make your face look like that. Check it out on my Instagram page. Imma be candid: I wasn’t emotionally prepared to pay for the premium WordPress wich would have allowed me to post the video here.

The eyes are Photoshopped, and I used the James Charles Morphe palette. That shiz’s amazing. All of the colors I’ve used are super pigmented, creamy, and easily blended. Good job, Morphe. Per the usual.

The three colors I used were black, red and the douchrome purple (in the inner corners). Lips were Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink (I always forget what order those words go in, but I imagine you could probably use them in any order, and it would still make sense), in Pioneer and Voyager. Ya’ll. Maybelline may be a “drugstore” brand, but it is LEGIT. It’s affordable and the quality matches some of the more ‘spensive stuff at Sephora.

I used a red lip liner for the veins and red shadow from the Morphe palette around the lips.
I Did The Homework For You

September 23, 2023

Courtesy of Forbes. Check out the article, too.

I recently saw a TikTok talking about how the universe is this merciless, unrelenting MMA fighter, letting the strikes flow like a goddamned waterfall. Her delivery was far more entertaining than my recitation; but the message is the same: sometimes, the hits just keep coming. Given the past few months, I’m right there with her, trying desperately to defend myself against the deluge. My greatest fear in life is losing people I love. So, over the past few months, I will say have been great immersion therapy for me to address and conquer that fear, but GODDAMN, shit’s hard.

Honestly, the hits started in 2021, when we lost my uncle to cancer. Then, dad got cancer (he’s okay). Then, mom had a cancer scare. Then, my cousin got lung cancer. He beat it…but then it showed up again in his kidney. Then his spine. Then his liver. Then his brain. My cousin was 60 and the healthiest man I knew. He never drank or smoked. He was in fantastic shape (avid fisherman, SCUBA diver, outdoorsman), and he ate relatively healthfully. To say it is a shock that he’s gone would be an understatement. He was more my uncle than my cousin, and he and my dad were best friends, fishing together every chance they got; always visiting; and whenever you needed advice on literally anything, my cousin was the guy. He made it his business to know all the things. He was like Tyrion…just without the drinking part.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt loss before losing my cousin; and it is precisely how it is described: a gaping hole. A silence where there should be sound. An empty depression on the couch, and extra room on the boat. I no longer have that one person I can count on to have an answer to my weirdest questions, or to recommend a good camera. I understand now why people say there is a void that can’t be filled. I cannot fathom how his wife feels. They’ve been best friends since they met in high school.

I think it was my cousin’s death that really made my own mortality something I could grasp; and I think it was the same with my other cousins. So while we were clutching stuffies and drinking waiting-room coffee in hospice, we promised each other to start taking our health more seriously. Serendipitously, this was also around the same time my husband wanted to get his health on track (for different reasons), so we were already primed for the change. The changes included mostly diet; but after my cousin died, I started also paying attention to what I was putting on my skin. You know…I, like most other middle-aged women, had been following a skincare routine with the vitamin C, the retinol, and the niacimides, peptides…all the ‘rides…but I don’t think I internalized the fact that you absorb shit through your skin.

Like.

Fucking DUH.

I know.

But it wasn’t until I began listening to health podcasts that I, not only learned the new information, but actually absorbed the new information (pun absolutely intended). And it was at that point I began to pay more attention to my skincare, then my makeup, then my haircare products; and I did what all the green guru girlies out there tell you NOT to do: I went out and bought all new shit.

You know why they tell you NOT to do that?

Because shit’s EXPENSIVE. I probably dropped between $500 and $600 on new skin and haircare and makeup. But, it was kinda nice to have all the new stuff all at once.

Aside from the cost, the other challenge to going “green” or “clean” is navigating all the bullshit. In the same way the food industry misleads the masses with lovely “green”-looking marketing (think granola bars, “whole grain” products, “non-GMO,” “organic,” etc.) Thankfully, the feds have jumped in to help with at least the organic stuff, but there’s not much regulation on anything else. Personal grooming products are no better.

Courtesy of ez-xbrl

You see the buzzwords, “free of parabens, sulfates and silicon” on products, often next to an image of a leaf, and while this is a good start, it does not tell the whole story. Manufacturers who market their products as “clean” will often still contain ingredients that are, themselves, carcinogenic; though more often these products contain ingredients which, if exposed to sun, or if contaminated can become carcinogenic. Retinol, for example, becomes carcinogenic if exposed to sun. Blue 1 dye, for example (used in things like Milk’s setting spray ) is at high risk for contamination by aniline and cadmium, both known human carcinogens. Of note, I reached out to Milk, which markets itself as a clean makeup brand, to tell me the measures it is taking to ensure this ingredient is not compromised in the manufacturing process, but they never responded.

While I understand not all makeup brands are clean, and having clean ingredients is not important to everyone; I feel if you’re going to use “clean” ingredients to persuade people to buy your products, they should probably be fucking clean, you know? Like, if you’re only going to half-ass it, just call it “semi-clean” or “cleaner than Lancôme.” Shit, NARS has cleaner products than Milk, and they don’t use it to get more people to buy their products. Similarly, and much to my dismay, Haus Labs is also not clean, despite its branding. Nor are several of Kosas’ products, which not only markets itself as a clean brand, but that’s literally the brand’s entire personality.

This foundation in particular. I’ve used it and absolutely love it.

The best way I’ve found to ensure the products I’m using are clean to my own personal satisfaction is to look it up on EWG Skindeep. This website hosts a big-ass data base of personal care products and rates them on a scale from one to ten, with ten being the worst. EWG rates products based upon (1) whether they have been connected to cancer or are carcinogenic; (2) whether they are toxic; (3) whether they cause allergic reactions, and (4) whether their use is restricted in certain areas. Sometimes, EWG does not have the product in their database, so you have to search the individual ingredients.

Click here

So I, being the neurotic person I am, created a list of all of the makeup products I use on a day-to-day basis and within that document is included each ingredient of each product, color-coded as green, orange or red, with green being the “good” things, orange being the “meh” things, and red being the “bad” things. Because I love you so much, I’ve included the list here. If any of you dear readers would like me to do the same for personal care products you use, just drop a comment below.

I will end this post with a cautionary tale. We recently learned that someone close to us was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. She is my age. I’m glad I’m more educated, because now I have tools I can use to help others (if they so wish), and to help myself.

So, stay healthy. Try to be happy. And remember, there is ALWAYS a positive side (right? Without positivity, negativity literally cannot exist), so try to focus on the positive instead of the negative.
WithLove Cosmetics’ Multichrome Loose Pigment: Honest Review

July 18, 2021

Beetles.

I hate them.

I hate all creepy crawlies—butterflies and ladybugs included. They’re gross with all they’re little legs and exoskeletons. *shudder* Ew. This does not mean, however, that I cannot appreciate the beauty of some bugs. A moth or a butterfly’s wings; a dragonfly’s iridescent gross little body and…beetle wings.

I’ve always loved the colors of beetle wings—that unnatural green/turquoise which if hit by the light a certain way turns gold or pink. And it’s not just me who is enchanted (despite an unhealthy fear of multi-legged things). For a very long time, people have used beetle wings for jewelry and dyes. Dyes for not just clothing. *muffled horror noises* Dyes for—hoo-ugh—food. That’s rights, ladies and gents. Red 40 is cochineal, a red color additive derived from a scale insect called the cochineal scale (Dactylopius coccus). This additive goes by names other than Red 40, like “carmine,” “carminic acid,” “Natural Red 4,” and “E120,” and is not just in candy or Kool-Aid. It’s what makes fake krab pink, it’s in yogurts, juices, sausage and…you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t, idk) makeup.

So not only are you purposefully eating bugs (not like walking into a cloud of gnats and inadvertently getting your protein for the day), but you’re also putting them on your face. If you aren’t keen on smearing dead bugs on your face, don’t fear—makeup brands claiming to be vegan shouldn’t have this dye. For an embarrassingly long time, I didn’t understand how makeup could be vegan. Now I do; but I still probably have products that aren’t and I still consume foods with Red 40. I just don’t think too much about it—like everyone else on this earth faced with gross facts which can’t be avoided.

The pigment can be used on lips, too. And nails, so I hear.

In any case, the makeup product I’m about to gush about is not ground-up beetle wings. It is an absolutely GORGEOUS multichrome loose pigment. The manufacturer was somehow able to capture that unnatural green/turquoise color on beetle wings, and then make it shift to a beautiful bright, almost neon pink; but not before shifting through this magical purple/indigo color. What used to take an hour and several different shadows to blend and perfect now only takes one swipe of a finger or brush.

You guys.

This stuff is absolutely incredible.

And “this stuff” is With Love Cosmetics’ Multi Chrome Pigment in Rave. Now, if you follow beauty-related content on Instagram, there is a fair chance you’ve seen that lovely little olive hand applying what looks like it should be a paste or crème of this magical multitude of colors, and then moving around so the light captures all of the different colors. I can’t tell you why I waited so long to buy this stuff, seeing as though I’ve been wanting it for THREE YEARS.

Welcome to my disordered brain.

It’s only like $12 ($17 or $18 with shipping to the U.S. because they are based in the U.K.)—which is on par with any upscale makeup brand’s single eye shadow pans; and I dare say With Love Cosmetics’ pigments out-perform all of its high scale competitors by a long shot. From the mastery of the multichrome color creation itself to the concentrated pigmentation and ease of use, these guys did it right. Not only that, but you are essentially getting four to five colors in one little pan. And the colors change depending on the lighting…so you’re basically purchasing a tiny rave party you can apply to your eyelids.

I have found the most effective way to use this pigment is to pack it on over a black crème base—like black liner or a black primer (do those exist?). The pigment also performs wonderfully on a lighter base—once you blend it out, it becomes this perfect smoky gray color.

I’ve worn it out twice now, and both times got tons of compliments. One person even—correctly—likened it to beetle wings.

Verdict?

Yes.

I will be purchasing ALL of the loose multichrome pigments.

This is not a sponsored post and I did not receive any products for free or any other compensation for writing this post. I just really freaking love this product.
WOW Skin Science Partners Facial Cleanser: Honest Review

June 27, 2021

When I say I ‘ve been trying to find the *perfect skincare products, what I mean is that I have five different facial washes, three different serums, two essences and I’ve lost count of the facial moisturizers. Now, at least three of those products are tiny Ipsy samples; but the rest of the 150 products (it’s not that much…I think) are full-sized products purchased at the recommendation of numerous different sources (Allure, Byrdie, Cosmopolitan, TikTok, Instagram). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I will be that old lady who pays $1,500 to “bail out” my grandson. Even though I don’t have kids.

I’m a sucker for a good ad.

In fact, it need not even be good.

So I’ve tried the cheap stuff; I’ve tried the expensive stuff and all of the stuff in between. I have combination skin where the oily parts getting really oily and the dry parts getting really dry. A while ago, I realized by using a facial wash with salicylic acid every day, it actually caused more breakouts than it was supposed to prevent because I was literally acid washing my face twice a day. It was such a scary departure from the acne wash, though, because I was sure that by switching to a more gentle wash I would break out even more.

Surprise!

Turns out when you stop stripping your face of its natural oils it actually stops freaking out. Now—I need to premise all this by saying I am not a dermatologist. I have exactly *zero knowledge of skin care beyond what I myself have experienced and I would urge anyone with skin issues to seek help from a dermatologist—kinda like what I was supposed to do, but didn’t

Do as I say not as I do.

Aside from the over-oily oil zones and over-dry dry zones, I also have discoloration around my chin, nose and under eye area which I have for years been trying to get rid of and NOTHING has worked (except concealer). So when WOW Skin Science Partners (“WOW”) reached out to me to do a collaboration with them using one of their products I jumped on it like a fat kid on cake at his own birthday party. Specifically, WOW has this Vitamin C Foaming Face Wash that claims to “brighten your complexion.” And get this: the bottle has its own little silicone brush that you use to  “clear away dirt, pollution, and makeup residue for hydrated glowing skin.” WOW claims its products:

1.         Are free of harsh chemicals;

2.         Are sulfate free, Paraben free and silicon free;

3.         Support healthier skin;

4.         Smell amazing;

5.         Easier and safer for the environment [because they are] all natural

So I got it.

And I used it.

And I very much enjoyed it.

Now. Before we go any further, understand that if I did not like the product, I would not encourage anyone to buy it. (see my blog posts on Il Makiage and KVD Good Apple Foundation). I won’t necessarily shit on a product, but I will be honest if it doesn’t work for me.

Right off the bat with this soap, though, I noticed the smell. The soap smells SO GOOD. It smells like those old Flintstone orange push-up popsicles—you know, like freaking childhood? And the brush feels SO GOOD on your face. It’s silicone so it’s super soft and doesn’t “scratch “your face skin like a wash cloth or your dry callused hands would. It also doesn’t strip your face of oils, but then doesn’t leave any gross residue on your face. So your face isn’t squeaky clean (like, your face shouldn’t squeak after you’re done washing it); but also isn’t greasy or feel heavy afterward.  Did I mention it removes makeup? It even passed the white towel test.

But does it brighten like it claims?

It definitely looks like it does. Now: I fully understand I could be imagining things, or am the victim of the placebo effect, but I feel the black holes that are my under eyes whose only job is to announce to the world exactly how little sleep I get have gotten are a little less …loud.  I don’t see a difference in the discoloration around my chin and nose; but I’ve also only been using the product for less than a week.

The verdict?

Yes.

The experience alone with worth at least trying this product. That little brush is just SO DARN AWESOME. It feels like you’re giving yourself a face massage every time you use it.; and it smells like childhood, and  it does much of what it claims to be able to do.  I will certainly at least be finishing the bottle, and will very likely purchase a new one once I’m done. In fact, I might even explore WOW’s other products. Once you find a brand you like, stick with it until you find a better one—that’s why brand loyalty is a thing, and why brands strive to achieve it. It’s the reason I did not buy a BMW or Mercedes after I got rid of my Camaro. I just bought a faster more powerful Chevy because Chevy makes a solid car (Mustangs can eat my dust).

What about the value?

It ain’t bad! It’s no $1.50 Irish Breeze, but it’s also not $38 Tatcha. It’s $15 for 100 mls (that would be 3.38 ounces for those of us who are  metric system-challenged).  It seems light, but remember: this is a foaming soap—not a gel, so it’s supposed to be light.  It’s only $4 or $5 more than a wee bottle of Neutragena.  You can buy WOW’s products at their website, buywow.com, as well as from Amazon. If you don’t feel like waiting for shipping and don’t mind driving to your nearest Walmart, you can find their product there, too.

Want 10% off any WOW product? Use my code: Jessuhbug. Don’t forget to like, comment and let me know your thoughts on their stuff if you end up trying it!
Just. Be. Nice.

May 16, 2021

My blog is called “Motion to Slay,” and this post will more of the “Motion” part than the “slay” part…although I’d take the “slay” part seriously if I could. When I tell you I was mad, I mean I. Was. Shaking. I was crying. I vocalized my cyclopean desire to walk into a particular Plaintiff’s firm’s headquarters strapped with 8 bombs and pushing the button before apologizing to the FBI who was likely watching (they always are).

I was fucking furious.

Typically, I’m pretty good about removing myself from my work. I keep professionally distanced; as any professional should. I do not allow an opposing counsel’s or judge’s or anyone else’s shenanigans get to me because ultimately, nothing is personal and I get paid to do what I do. Sometimes however, I do get angry. There have been two times in my professional career that I got so angry I had to step away from my computer and phone so I didn’t say something I would later regret; and when you are an attorney, the words you say matter and can have a very significant impact on your case, which means it can have a very significant impact on the lives of other people.  This is why it is SO important to keep your cool.

One of those two times was when a baby lawyer called me unprofessional on the phone. She had filed a motion to compel before our discovery responses were even due—the third time she had done it. This has no impact on me personally…but it can look bad on the docket when you have a bunch of motions to compel filed against you. So I called her to discuss. The conversation began very politely until I asked her why she kept filing motions to compel before discovery deadlines. A genuine question, I might add.

She did not like this.

She immediately went on the defensive—interrupting me , and getting quite sassy. So I interjected and said what she was doing was “not how you practice law.”

She did not like this either.

So she told me she didn’t like my tone and called me unprofessional. When I tell you I saw red…I was about ready to promenade my seething ass over to her office and  throw hands. But instead, I muffled a scream in my elbow and beat the shit out of my desk. My office door was closed, but when I emerged, I got some looks.

The second time was this past Friday.

I need to lay a foundation for this next story because you won’t get the full effect otherwise. So: I had no idea as a child, teenager or even young adult that I would be a lawyer; but when I was in law school, I went full in. I devoted myself to the study of law and drank all the KoolAids.

The KoolAid about comradery within the legal community;

The KoolAid about the integrity and candor of the profession;

The KoolAid about the importance of respecting the law and your power as an attorney to wield it.

They were all very strong KoolAids in themselves; but for me, they were amplified by my upbringing. I was raised by two highly successful, AV-rated attorneys (that means everyone else thinks they’re really good, too). It is not just your ability to argue that makes you a good attorney. You must be even-keel; you must be professional; you must be a quick thinker, and you must…

FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES.

There are lots.

In fact, the entire legal profession is built on rules and laws. There would be no lawyers if there weren’t rules and lAws.

Unless you’re Douglas McArthur, rules and laws are—surprisingly—meant o be followed.

It’s when you break them that we get involved.  So when other lawyers don’t play by the rules, it makes me fucking angry. I was taught that  this profession is one of integrity and professionalism and I take it VERY seriously. Rules are not meant to be manipulated. It is NOT our job to find loopholes, or to manipulate the rules. It is our job to follow the rules and counsel our clients to follow the rules. It is our job to help enforce the rules.

It makes me especially angry when big law does it. Even more so when seasoned attorneys do it. Because (1) they know better; and (2) they think because they’re so big, they can get away with it and often do. So on Friday, I learned opposing counsel was not going to allow us the discovery that we were unquestionably entitled to. Unquestionably. Like. NO. FUCKING. QUESTION. It wasn’t like, “hm…I could interpret this to mean that I don’t have to give it to you under certain circumstances.” No.

UN-MOTHER-FUCKING-QUESTIONABLY.

Normally, such a flagrant disregard of the rules would be merely irksome. But that day, I had four answers that had to be done by the following Monday, and I did not have the goddamned time to deal with opposing counsel’s shenanigans. What made it worse was that because it was so obnoxiously flagrant, there was very little case law on the subject. As it happens, when things are just *known*, people don’t tend to deem it important enough to talk more about it (that’s how unquestionable my entitlement to this discovery was). So I spent three mother-fucking hours researching this shit only to come up with tangentially related case law, which I imagined was precisely why this gigantic plaintiff’s firm did it—because there’s no law on point for defense firms to use to support motions to compel.

And that realization made me even angrier.

AS I WAS RESERCHING, I got an email with a safe harbor letter and proposed 57.105 motion. For those that aren’t attorneys, or who otherwise are not familiar with these motions, they are called motions for sanctions. In other words, the person who files the motion is asking the court to punish someone—specifically, punishing someone for knowingly filing something frivolous or without merit.  The key words here are “knowingly” and “frivolous.” In layman’s terms, we get in trouble if we file something we know is stupid.

And it’s not the client that gets the heat; it’s the attorney. So a 57.105 motion is very serious. You are essentially saying the attorney who filed the thing you don’t like acted in derogation of his or her duties as an attorney and in violation of the Rules of Professional  Conduct, which in turn implicates your license to practice.  It is an attack on your integrity as an attorney

So, yeah. Serious.

At first, my stomach dropped from my body because I thought I had somehow fucked up. But because I tend not to fuck up often, and tend to follow the rules and tend not to file frivolous things, my panic subsided a little, and the anger started creeping in. The case in which this motion was filed was brand new—I had just filed our response to Plaintiff’s Complaint. The response was a motion to dismiss for failure to join an indispensable party. That means that plaintiff’s counsel did not add all interested parties to the Complaint as he should have.  In this case, plaintiffs alleged my client breached a property insurance policy, upon which Plaintiffs were both named insureds. In other words, if my client made any kind of payment of insurance proceeds, both of these people would be entitled to payment.

It’s just like when you and your spouse are on a deed to a house—you both own the house. If you’re both named on an insurance policy, you both get paid. The check will have both your names. So when ASSHATS fail to add both named insureds on complaints, I have to file a motion with the court forcing them to name both insureds so that if we settle, we can put both insureds on the release, and both insureds on the check. This also protects MY client . For example, if only hubby is named in the Complaint, and the parties end up settling, technically, his wife (who was not named on the complaint) can file another lawsuit against my client for the same thing (now, there are lots of arguments we would have against that, but having both named parties on the complaint just makes it harder to re-file, and easier to pay them.)

Typically, when someone fails to add all named interests on a complaint, I just call opposing counsel and 99.9999% of the time, opposing counsel just fucking agrees to add the missing person.

Not with this attorney on Friday.

No.

This asshat, who has been practicing for about as long as I’ve alive, and who is employed with the  one of the largest personal injury firms in the state of Florida, decided to accuse ME (not my client. Not my firm…ME, PERSONALLY) of knowingly filing a frivolous motion, despite the fact the motion was not only colorable, but in all likelihood would be granted by any court in this state because that’s how the law fucking works.

Now, in my calm, cool and collected mind, I knew this was nothing more than a bully tactic. But then my feral brain took that musing and made me even madder.

I do not like being bullied.

I. Was. Shaking.

My brain simply could not process the unmitigated AUDACITY of this piece of shit.

This absolute twatwaffle. This unapologetic used condom of a man. This embarrassing excuse of an attorney—nay—of a human being

This shameful , sad, angry, and miserable dingleberry.

I was so mad that this small –penised man had the unfettered NERVE to  send ME a safe harbor letter.  At that moment, all of my frustration with the downfalls of humanity (evilness, stupidity, manipulative, arrogance, conniving, etc.) came to a head and exploded. I spent the next HOUR yelling at no one and coming up with scenarios in my head about how I would destroy this man’s life.

Like…

I was a tad upset.

But it wasn’t just the intentional disregard of the rules that govern part of our practice, or a baseless, but very serious threat. Sadly, counsel do this shit all the time. It was that at that moment I had had enough. I’d had enough of people being bad. I’d had enough of the conniving, the audacity, the dishonesty, and just otherwise the awfulness. When people are rude to me, I try to tell myself that they are probably going through something in their life which is making them act this way; but sometimes I think that being awful is a default. Why else would being good and honest be a virtue? Why else would people be lauded and awarded for honesty and goodness if it was not the norm? Perhaps it’s a product of my upbringing that I expect people to be good; because every time someone is not, I’m taken aback.

I have never come so close to quitting than I did that day. I understand now the desire to live off the grid and away from other people. It’s because people fucking suck. The ones who don’t suck are not the norm; and if you find one, grab him or her and DON’T. LET. GO. Good people—genuinely good people—are hard to come by. But as it happens, being good is a choice. So, this is my advice to you: be kind. Be empathetic. Be compassionate. Basically be everything Jesus told you to be. Now, I’m far from religious, but I do know Jesus was an actual dude who walked on this earth, and who apparently had some pretty  good advice.

It takes more energy to be an asshole than to just be nice.
Honest Review: KVD Good Apple Foundation

April 18, 2021

I’m not a sucker for advertisements.

Source: kvdveganbeauty.com

Read: I’m a complete sucker for advertisements.

So when I saw KVD’s sponsored TikTokers testing its new foundation, the first thought I had was not “this is a sponsorship and therefore, reactions and results are skewed.”

No.

My  first reaction was: ”I MUST PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT.”

I acknowledge I’m not unique among other humans and certainly do not purport to be somehow immune to marketing ploys. Am I aware I’m being manipulated? Absolutely. Does it mean I’m not going to buy the product being marketed?

Haha.

Nah.

I bought that shit faster than a babysitter’s boyfriend when the parents’ car pulls up.

I had to order directly from KVD because it was sold out at Ulta and Sephora (even their online shops). The shopping experience was fine, I guess. No different from any other shopping experience with big brand names. Better than Ebay. Not better than Amazon. *shrug*

Good Apple comes in 40 shades, which would have been impressive a few years ago; but nowadays is just kind of standard. To be honest, the more shades available, the more stressed I become. This is because I will spend **hours** comparing shades to my skin just to find the perfect match. I have obsessed literal days away shade matching. The good news is KVD’s website has a shade finder…which is worth its weight in intellectual property (i.e., zero). Sorry; but I’ve tried these shade matching programs and none have actually frickin’ worked. I’ll get anywhere from “sand ivory” to “golden tan.” I am neither. “Ivory” looks down on me with utter disgust–either because it’s racist or it’s jealous of my melanin because I don’t turn pink in the sun; and “golden tan” laughs at my basic white-bitchness. I can’t fucking win. The closest thing I can get to is neutral-golden medium–but only in the summer.

Makeup is fucking hard.

Ignore the fact I look like Snivy from Pokemon.

Anyway, Good Apple purports to “gives you FAST, LIGHTWEIGHT full coverage with a fresh matte finish.” [why they needed to yell “fast” and “lightweight” is beyond me.]

It’s not “lightweight.” It feels like a cream foundation. So all those TikTok girls who were so surprised how the foundation “feels like nothing” were being paid to say that. Or at the very least, hoping to get paid. KVD goes on to purport the foundation has a “matte finish.” No it fucking doesn’t. It’s a fucking B A L M. That shit is DEWY.

Finally, KVD represents its foundation is “HIGH-PERFORMANCE [and] LIGHT WEIGHT (again with the yelling. Why?): Get one-and-done, buildable full coverage that lasts all day (BAH-HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH YEAH. FUCKING RIGHT, BRO) and feels like you’re not even wearing foundation (Lies.). Quickly cover blemishes and discoloration for an instant confidence boost. It’s flashback free, non-cakey and it’ll last all day (WHY YOU LYIN’).”

So. It IS 100% full coverage and buildable. It does NOT last all day. But we’ll talk about that later. Jesus…it’s like responding to a Civil Remedy Notice, where all you do is attack the bullshit. Say what you want about defense work…it thoroughly prepares you for a life as a critic.

When the foundation arrives, the first thing I noticed was that it was not a lot of product. It’s, like 1/2 –a-centimeter’s-worth of cream foundation. So, those videos you’ve seen where they just swiped away their flaws with a brush  is understanding, that’s not the product properly blended out. Rather, it’s an initial application.

That said—you don’t need a lot and it’s buildable.

One pat with a foundation brush covers both cheeks, my chin and my jaw line. Like…shit’s PO-tent.

Half-a-pat will cover your entire five-head.

The finish?

God. Fucking. Awful.

I have combination skin, so I tend to moisturize some areas more than others before applying any foundation. But this foundation is advertised as a “balm,” so one would think less preparation would be required depending on your skin type. The problem with this foundation is even though it’s advertised as a “balm,” it will not smooth over dry skin. It will stick to that dry flaky skin like a goddamned magnet—along with literally any other texture on your skin. Powdering helps, but does nothing to keep that slippery shit in place. After thirty minutes of emoting (and by emoting, I mean simply smiling), I had these gaping creases in my laugh lines. Now obviously, if you’re putting something on your face that sits on your skin, you’re going to expect to see some movement. It’s inevitable.

But this shit?

This Grand Canyon, Mariana’s Trench BULLSHIT?

Look. At those CREASES.

That 30 minutes of wear added another 30 years to my face. I feel that’s the opposite of what foundation’s supposed to do. I feel a 10-years-per-minute-of-wear record is not something any foundation would like to be associated with. So unfortunately, I can’t even use this foundation as cosplay makeup. I will concede: I’m no makeup artist and could simply be applying it wrong; but I tried applying with and without prepping my skin; I tried different prepping products, and I tried using different amounts and changing up the order of application of prepping products and still could not get this goddamned foundation to play nice. That all said, I feel you shouldn’t have to be a trained professional to apply foundation.

This is me, without foundation for reference. Not as high definition as the camera used for the Harley Quinn cosplay, but as you can see, I’m not 50 years old.

So, honest review? I won’t be buying this foundation again. I could have bought myself a tank of gas, two sushi dinners or a nice bottle of wine with the money I spent being the victim of  aggressive marketing. Ugh. I’ll stick with my NARS and Lancome. (If you want less expensive, still high-performing foundation, Milani’s 2-in-1 conceal/foundation is great and Maybelline’s Fit Me is a cult favorite for good reason).
Haters Gonna Hate

March 7, 2021

Let’s talk about  hate comments and being offended. As someone who makes a living arguing, I have to say I have never once been offended in my career by anyone. Well…I mean, if being offended by stupidity counts, I guess that statement is not an entirely true statement. The reason I have never been offended  making a living arguing is because the arguments are based on law and fact, and never ever on opinion. Nor are they ever personal. It is because we are professionals. In fact if you try to make a personal attack against someone in court, chances are you’ll be thrown the fuck out.

Refuse to “grow up.”

I’m obviously not new to the internet and have seen the hate. It’s mind boggling how nasty people can be for literally no reason. Like, you can say you like bananas, and you’ll have people calling you a piece of shit person because they don’t like bananas. Being part of the beauty community, I’ve seen people  leave comments on makeup posts about how only fake empty people wear makeup; or how ugly the person is; or how she’s a whore for wearing makeup. Like, it’s fucking absurd to me how people are so hateful. I know it’s very easy to be a keyboard warrior because there is no physical repercussion for being mean (like, no one’s gonna sock you for being an asshole on the internet); but it’s not the audacity that gets me.

It’s the unmitigated and in most cases, completely unfounded hatred.

Like. Why, tho?

Why are you so mad? Who hurt you? Do you think you’re being cool or funny? And these comments-while completely unfounded (like calling someone a piece of shit for liking bananas, or a whore for wearing makeup),  do affect the person being targeted  (even though it’s absurd to feel hurt for liking bananas). It affects people because most people have a certain level of insecurity and feel the need to fit in an be accepted; and when they are told they’re doing something wrong, or are wrong, or otherwise are not humaning  the way  someone thinks they should, it has an adverse impact.

@jellioso
Lol. No. #tiktokjesus #tess #nevergrowup #occosplayer #no #funny #fyp
♬ original sound – TikTok Jesus

I had stayed relatively sheltered from internet hate—mostly because I only recently started putting myself out there. But also because I don’t make controversial content (well…except here). I put on makeup, play dress-up, act like an idiot and for the most part people seem to enjoy it. But I recently hit over 100,000 on TikTok, and let me tell you, it’s true what they say: you know you’ve “made it” when you start getting the hate comments. I made a TikTok to an Eddie Izzard bit and  over 100 angsty teenage boys tried to “ratio” the video (get more likes on a negtative comment than the likes on the video itself) because  they didn’t think the video was funny. So—rather than just swiping up, they amassed themselves, and spent time and energy  to get as many hate comments on the video as they could. Like, the little bastards came after me for no other reason than they didn’t think I was funny.

@jellioso
CAKE OR DEATH #eddieizzard #cakeordeath #pterodactyl #funny #comedy #fyp #foryou
♬ original sound – Jellioso

It was baffling. Also, like…thanks I guess. The more you interact with a video, the better it is for  me.

On another video I posted, someone told me to “grow a personality.” I replied jokingly, “I have several,” and the dude was literally like, “do they all use other peoples’ content because they’re all empty inside?” Like…what? Why?  Why are you so mad? The video was lipsyncing to a comedian telling people it was okay to be offended. I was wearing clown makeup. Now, this was the ONLY negative comment I’ve seen on that post.

BUT.

It’s that people feel emboldened to be mean FOR NO REASON  that is confusing to me. Do people just get that triggered nowadays now? Like, why are you so mad?  When I say I am baffled, I mean, I am truly truly without understanding as to how people wake up on any given day and are like, “Yeah. I’m gonna ruin someone’s day today.”

I guess that is what this world is now. People  are awful to one another, emboldened by the veil of their computer screens. Which brings me to the point of this post, and tangentialy, the point Steve Hughes was trying to get across in the bit that my reinactment  of went slightly viral:

It’s OKAY to be offended.

@jellioso
What my best friend said to me after my first day on the internet #funny #whysoserious #tess #occosplayer #fyp
♬ original sound – M182729

Nothing happens when you’re offended. You get mad, and then you move on. Don’t let some asshole ruin your day. Trust me: it is a LOT more easily said than done. Especially if you’re someone like me who thrives on outside affirmations. It’s my love language, what can I say? You can’t control how other people feel or what they say to you. Thus, there is nothing YOU can do to prevent or remedy the situation. The situation being, another person’s  personal  fucked-up-ery. Indeed, anther person’s being fuceked-up is entirely a **THEM** problem, and thus by defination not a **YOU** problem.

For a reason only known to that person, something you have said or done, or your mere existence has awakened unresolved pain and in order to protect themselves, their body is producing cortisol (you know, the “fight or flight” hormone?) and they are lashing out at the thing that has awakened whatever demon it is that they harbor in order to aleviate this entirely physiological response.

In fact, this troll’s comment on your post has precisly ZERO things to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their inability to process a traumatic thing that happened to them in their life. And you know what that means?

IT’S NOT. YOUR GODDAMNED. PROBLEM.

Now.

Obviously, if the thing you posted is meant to attack something or someone, be okay with facing defenses to the attack.

But if your post is inacuous, DON’T * WORRY  * ABOUT * IT.

Again, much easier said than done; but if I may just take this moment to relay one of the wisest things someone has ever said to me  in my life:

You and only you are in control of yourself. How YOU feel; how YOU process things; YOUR reactions. Just you. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing your feel anything. Therefore, YOU are in complete control of  whether you are going to have a “good” day, or a “bad” day. Allowing someone else’s insecurity or inability to process an unaddressed internal issue  to impact your day is completely your fault. Sorrynotsorry. You did this to yourself.

While harsh, I feel that tough self-talk is sometimes necessary to shake yourself out of a particular way of thinking. Don’t take this too far; because it can go too far.  But do understand that there are certain things you can control and many many more things you cannot control. And for those things you cannot control, there is no need to worry about those things. Why would you worry about things you can’t control? There is literally nothing you can do about it; and isn’t that what causes the stress in the furst place? The thought that you could have, or should have done something different—to prevent something, or to change something?  I mean, I guess one could say there is stress in having unplanned stuff happen to you…like being hit by a meteor; but in that case, you’re gone before you feel anything; so why worry?

I’m not sure how we went from internet trolls to meteors; but here we are. I imagine meteors are part of the reason you’re reading this post to begin with…sooooo…

What I’m trying to say is don’t sweat the haters. Their hate has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Be confident in yourself and love yourself. See you through the eyes of your mom and dad; your friends; your brother or sister (they do love you, even though they’d totally fart in your mouth while you sleep); or that one professor who you can always count on to dish out a shining referral.  You are more than what internent trolls tell you; and probably what you tell yourself. There are people in your life who think you are THE perfect being. People you love and respect. So, listen to them. I love you. And you should too.
Give Yourself Time

February 7, 2021

I have always rushed myself. In everything. For no goddamn reason. Getting ready to go places even though I hadplenty of time; getting through school; finishing projects; being healthier; being smarter. I never had any reason to rush myself other than the fear of being left behind. I guess that makes sense in a way, because since junior year of high school, I have been in a perpetual state of feeling left behind. Behind in artistic ability; behind in academics; behind in fitness; behind in the practice of law, and most recently, behind in my ability to create consistently good content on various social media platforms…even though it’s supposed to be a goddamned hobby that brings me joy. Problem is, I turn everything into a competition (I’m not really in to Zodiac shit, but I’ve been told it’s a Capricorn thing?), so in reality, nothing I ever do will be for fun.

Oh well.

So I rush to be the expert in all things and it’s fucking exhausting. This past week, I was running low on creativity until I found out that our local Renaissance faire would be showing up fashionably late this year and got embarrassingly excited (it’s all outside, btw and will require masks and I will be practicing what I have always practiced: social distancing. Like, ew. I’ve never been keen on people invading my bubble.) This provided much hungered-for inspiration as it was time to officially upgrade and update my various characters’ makeup since I literally had ALL of 2020 to work on makeup-ing skills.

One of the characters that is makeup-heavy is my “Gypsy” character. I put that word in quotations and capitalize it because that’s all she is: a character. I don’t have a better word than “Gypsy,” because that’s what that type of character has been called since my first foray into the Ren-Faire scene 19 (Jesus FUCK) years ago. To all you Zoomers: get fucked. Take your over-sensitivity elsewhere.  I’m living my best life pretending to be a fantastical creature and escaping from having lived through one of  (if not THEE) worst terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, a recession, a LITERAL DICTATOR (and the realization that AMERICANS PUT HIM IN OFFICE); burn-out, but like…actual extinguishment and a two-week half vacation hasn’t been enough to re-charge; erosion of the very core of our country’s existence; ASSHOLE COUNSEL (fuck you guys); systemic misogyny; the death of two family members, a terrifying and deadly illness in another family member who I will literally set the earth on FIRE for, IDGAF. TRY MY, UNIVERSE…and weight gain.

Like.

It’s been rough.

But I digress.

What I meant  to say was: Spend time on your hobbies, and don’t feel bad for doing so.

I rushed through art projects and workouts, and makeup looks for no other reason than I felt I was being left behind. Please don’t feel that. No one is timing you. No one is judging you (and if they  are, slash they’re tires in the dead of night, but make sure not to reference me or this blog post). You. Do. You. At your own pace.

For me, that meant slowing down on my makeup. It meant taking an hour to get the winged liner just right. It meant moisturizing and priming my face; it meant cleaning ALL of my makeup applicators (brushes, sponges, spoolies, etc.); it meant going S.L.O.W. on blending and placement.

And when I tell you it was m e d i t a t i o n, I mean it was spiritual. Just to allow myself the luxury of time to myself and what I loved was something exquisite. Like flipping the pillow to the cool side; or taking that first sip of hot cocoa on a cold day; or the feeling you get seeing your loved one walking through the front door after work or seeing her or his name as an incoming call on your smart phone.

It is the process, not the end result that counts.

I don’t know how many times I’ve spent hours on a look that turns out like garbage. But I’ve never regretted spending my time once. So , from one incredibly busy and stressed out person to another: give yourself the gift of time to do something you really love. I promise you wont regret it.
How Have I missed out on This for So long?! Powder Foundation for a Flawless Finish

January 18, 2021
That…that was a rhetorical question.

I’m old.

I’m over ten years out of college.

I’m an entire teenager older than people who became of drinking age this year.

I WAS BORN IN THE 1900s.

Ugh. I don’t feel old. In fact I was recently in very much need of an adult because this hot-shot 25-year experience attorney just entered an appearance for the sole purpose of arguing against my motion. Let me tell you: the WORST thing about being an adult is you can’t ask for an adult when shit happens in life that necessitates an adult. The feeling is a cross between loneliness, confusion-then-soul-shattering-realization and desperation. It’s awful and I don’t know if this is a Millennial thing, or if my parents felt the same way when they were my age; but I feel the underlying feeling of not being old enough to handle adult shit is why I feel like I’m also not old enough to have old-people-skin problems.

ESPECIALLY SINCE I STILL GET BREAKOUTS.

WHAT THE FAHCK!!!

I need a word with God on that one. Zits, greasy hair and dandruff are supposed to be confined to PUBERTY. Why the FAHCK do I have to deal with the puberty shit AND fine lines and bags under my eyes as a 34-year old?!

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!

But I digress.

I didn’t use the smoothing tool. I DIDN’T USE THE SMOOTHING TOOL.

So, liquid foundation creases in all those lines on your face, and as a pretty young thing you don’t worry about that nearly as much as the older version of you. This is a crushingly sad thing for someone who just starting getting in to makeup at the tender age of 31. More so because the majority of beauty gurus are in their GOTDAMNED TWENTIES and have nary a fine line in sight, so use techniques and products that work for pretty young things with nary a fine line in sight which in turn has simply stopped working for me. I blame work for the fine lines…and all of the gin I’ve gone through this past pandemic. And the pandemic.

But I digress.

That is a line of

It may be a product of the lack of expertise that I’ve not found a foolproof way to prevent creasing in the laugh lines and crow’s feet. Lol. It’s more likely that it just can’t be prevented without wearing as much as the beauty gurus tell you to wear. So, I’ve found myself decreasing the amount of foundation I use little by little. To be honest, I could just use concealer where I need it; but the indoctrination into full-face foundation is Scientology-like strong. Foundation also has a nice blurring effect if you use it right…except THOSE DAMNED LINES. Sure it’ll blur your pores, but by God its price is making you look 20 years older than you are.

So how do you get the coverage and blurring without the lines?

You use powder foundation.

“But doesn’t that make your face look even drier?” you might ask?

No. Shut up and listen (or…read, or whatever).

I have never used powder foundation. I don’t know why I haven’t, other than none of the beauty gurus I watched ever used it. To be perfectly honest, I had no idea it was even a thing until Wanderlust came on the market with its powder foundation. Still, even then—no one I watched ever used or even acknowledged its existence, so my trusting uneducated ass figured it must have been inferior.

I could not have been more wrong.

Well…I could have been. I have been, in fact, more wrong than that. On a number of occasions. But I digress. Powder foundation is actually the holy GOTDAMNED grail for a flawless air-brushed finish. And while it’s not as high-coverage as some liquid foundations, the finish more than makes up for it. Powder foundation does NOT crease. And if you do it right, that shit stays on your face ALL gotdamned night (or day). It’s like your pores and fine lines disappear and you look like some kind of weird poreless alien.

Why did I take the leap into powder foundation, you ask?

No idea.
I honestly have no idea what I was watching, thought or dreamed to prompt this curiosity, but it resulted in hours on Google searching tutorials and the best drugstore and high-end powder foundations, which in turn lead me to Maybelline’s Superstay powder foundation. Now. I wanted Bareminerals’ original powder foundation but (1) I didn’t want to drive all the way to Ulta or Sephora and (2) I wasn’t committed to spending $32 on a single foundation. Especially after I splurged on the Lancôme foundation around Christmas…even though I ended up spending that amount anyway at Walgreens for the Maybelline foundation, Maybelline Sky High mascara and some cool nail sticker things.

Don’t you dare judge me.
I’ve found the best way (at this time) to use powder foundation is over both a moisturizer and a silicon primer. I use Benefit Cosmetic’s Porefessional primer, but you can use any you like. Then, you buff the powder in (do not simply pat it on your skin—you gotta buff). And the outcome? Flaw. Less. No flaws. Zero flaws.

Well…I’m clearly exaggerating; but you know what I mean. Unless you replace your skin with porcelain, there’s no such thing as “flawless,” but this is the closest I’ve gotten so let me have my fucking moment. I would not recommend applying any cream products after you’ve applied your foundation; so make sure to apply your concealer before you apply your foundation and try not to buff too hard over the areas you’ve concealed. Power products (blush, highlighter, bronzer) go one like dream on a powder base.

But did I mention how flawless the base is?

Ung.

Now this is not to say I’ve abandoned liquid foundation. Nothing makes for a canvas for glam like liquid foundation. And when you’re out at night (if we ever get to go “out” again) the low lighting won’t stick to the imperfections. The powder foundation just eliminates your skin texture—which is more useful for daytime. I mean—wear it at night too, for sure. I guess what I’m saying is I’ll probably relegate the liquids to night and the powders to day.
BE EMPOWERED. BE CREATIVE.

January 9, 2021

This pandemic has been a financial blessing and a financial curse. On the one hand, we’ve saved an embarrassing amount of money by not going out. On the other hand, now we have a bunch of money burning holes in our pockets. Selling our house for more than $100k more than what we bought it for didn’t help. So, we bought a new house with it and had plenty left over to *fully* furnish the new house. You probably don’t understand the gravity of what I just said because you’ve probably owned or rented a place that you were able to fully furnish.

But not me.

This will be the first time I have lived anywhere that is not my parents’ house where every room has furniture. Like, guys I’ve made it. I’m a real adult now. And it’s wwwweeeeiiiirrrrd. I can’t quite grasp the fact that I own a grown-up house with grown-up furniture and have a grown-up job. My emotional age is still 16 when we had séances, ate Doritos, and wrote fan fiction for Gundam Wing all night.

I mean.

I still do that, but that’s not the point. The point is while we’ve saved a lot of money and recently came into possession of a lot of money (like when that check for our old house hit, I took a screen shot of my bank account, printed it and framed it because it is the most money my eyes will ever see on that computer screen), we’ve also spent more money than I ever have in my entire life. And it’s terrifyingly easy once you start. I bought not only furniture, but a new fancy purse, new fancy makeup, and fancy Christmas gifts for everyone I knew. It’s so easy to say, “this is the most money I’ve ever had, why not treat yo-self.” So I was ready to drop some dough on new eye shadow palettes.

But because there’s something wrong with me, I spent five hours on YouTube looking up tutorials for the specific palette(s) I was looking at. And while I was wasting my life because of what I am certain is a psychological disorder, I came across a makeup artist doing tutorials for the Juvia’s Place Zulu and Masquerade palettes—two of my first palettes EVAR.

When people talk about inspiration, what I experienced must be precisely what they mean.

I dropped my plan to buy yet another new palette faster than a cardboard box full of palmetto bugs (unless you have experienced palmetto bugs, you won’t get this reference). So instead of buying more makeup, I spent $12 on two new brushes, went home, sat in front of my mirror and spent hours playing with my two oldest palettes and came up with two looks that I was SO proud of.

When you think about it—when you buy a palette, especially a bigger one, you really only use a few of the shades. That’s why whenever you watch makeup gurus show you their palettes, there are only 3-4 pans where you can see the bottom. Most of the other colors are left untouched. I can’t blame them. The pull of shiny new colorful palettes with that ONE amazing color you just NEED is strong. Like the dark side strong. Like just-one-more-mimosa-strong. Like I’ll-go-to-the-gym-tomorrow strong. But it is **empowering** to challenge yourself to use colors you’ve never used before to create beautiful looks. It is also empowering to exercise discipline. Now. I am in no way advocating denying yourself. But when you set a goal, or set a limit ad actually achieve it or follow it? That shit’s addictive. It’s an accomplishment! Even if it’s tiny. Like, not having that 5^th mimosa; or saying, “no. We reject your offer”instead of, “I’ll take that to my client and get back to you.” Or like smiling at someone you pass instead of looking at the ground.

This is getting a bit deep for a makeup post.

But I guess it was kind of a “moment” for me. I hadn’t challenged myself creatively in a minute, and this was SO refreshing and a bonus serotonin in not having spent more money. So if you’re one of those people who has 12 different palettes, I challenge you to create looks with shades you haven’t touched yet. If you only own one big palette, I challenge you to use ALL the shades. Escape your comfort zone, because here’s the thing: only YOU are going to see it. It’s not like there’s some weirdo in your room watching you do your makeup.

If there is…IDK what to tell you. That shit’s spooky.

On a related note, Juvia’s Place will forever hold a place in my heart. Not only because they crank out AMAZING products. But because they are inclusive. They are fun. They are affordable. I encourage you to check out their line. I would offer a discount code, but I don’t have any. But if you hype my Insta up enough, maybe that could happen (wink wink)